"In vacant or in pensive mood..." I am: Bekah; 24; Law Student / Favorite Things: Carbs (so there!), Johnny Damon, Smiling at babies, Grilled cheese, Comfortable silence / Favorite Supreme Court Justice: Brennan / Favorite Wilson: Owen by an inch / Today's Special: Song: Elliott Smith, "Bled White"; Quote: "You know, there's like a butt-load of gangs at this school. This one gang kept wanting me to join because I'm pretty good with a bowstaff." Please love me: mmbekah@yahoo.com


February 2003 March 2003 April 2003 May 2003 June 2003 July 2003 August 2003 September 2003 October 2003 November 2003 December 2003 January 2004 February 2004 March 2004 April 2004 May 2004 June 2004 July 2004 August 2004 September 2004 October 2004 November 2004 December 2004 January 2005 September 2005

 
Retraction (Or “In Traction”)

Yesterday, I reported that my guardian angel got her wings in the Dillard’s shoe department. After the day I’ve had, it’s taking every ounce of restraint in my body not to go back there, pin her, and rip the wings off of her loathsome, trembling carcass.

Today was my oral argument for my appellate brief. I woke up early this morning to get dressed in my new suit and new shoes. I walked from the parking garage to the law school building, noting that my heels hurt quite a bit, but not thinking much of it. When I got to Con Law, I noticed a small dark patch on my pants. To my (and my friend Kate’s) extreme horror, I lifted my pant leg to find a pool of blood. Actually two pools. My feet, which until today included useful things called “heels,” were reduced to gory, mangled stumps. Kate, bless her, helped me clean up and gave me her flip-flops. I spent the rest of the day proving that plastic turquoise footwear is the best complement to navy pinstripes. How, might I ask, am I ever supposed to be an intimidating trial attorney? What am I going to do, bleed on opposing counsel?

A Long Day’s Journey into Fright

The shoe debacle was just the beginning. Today was one of the longest, most emotionally challenging days of my life. You see, I have a morbid, clinical fear of public speaking. The fact that I was in danger of bleeding out in Con Law didn’t even faze me in comparison to the thought of giving a five minute oration in front of a panel of professors and writing fellows.

There is absolutely no rational explanation for my phobia. It’s hard to explain the severity of performance anxiety to people who don’t have it. Basically, when I am faced with the prospect of speaking publicly in an academic setting, I actually want to die. I am not exaggerating. In my panic, the entire universe caves in, and I feel like the only thing to do is crawl into a hole and hide until I am safely out of the spotlight. The fact that I can’t hide or run away makes me feel scared, angry, and out of control. Life becomes an impossible responsibility. So bloody heels are a walk in the park. Except for the whole not being able to walk part.

Deliverance

When 4:30 finally rolled around, about 200 years after my fateful hike from the parking garage, it was time for the argument. I gently slid my shoes onto my poor feet, promising them a nice soak if they could just make it through the next twenty minutes without getting bloodstains on the floor. I sat and listened to opposing counsel give their arguments. Then my co-counsel gave hers. When it was my turn, I somehow made it to the podium, but I don’t remember the walk. The words just came. I felt like I was channeling someone; like I was looking in on the room from the outside. I answered the judges’ questions and tied them to my argument. I said “Thank you, your honors.” And then it was over. The minute I finished speaking, I felt like a wet blanket had been lifted from my body. The universe was no longer a stifling, hateful place.

As I walked home in those turquoise flip-flops, I held my head high. I had conquered a first year rite of passage, and had the battle scars to prove it. Law school, no matter what you take from me (including my heels), you can't take away my dignity.
posted by Bekah at 8:02 PM :: |