"In vacant or in pensive mood..." I am: Bekah; 24; Law Student / Favorite Things: Carbs (so there!), Johnny Damon, Smiling at babies, Grilled cheese, Comfortable silence / Favorite Supreme Court Justice: Brennan / Favorite Wilson: Owen by an inch / Today's Special: Song: Elliott Smith, "Bled White"; Quote: "You know, there's like a butt-load of gangs at this school. This one gang kept wanting me to join because I'm pretty good with a bowstaff." Please love me: mmbekah@yahoo.com


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How do you say "You sound like you ate paint chips as a kid" in Dutch?

Note: This post is, for lack of a better characterization, irreverent hyperbole. It is not meant to offend any nationality, race, creed, people, tribe, ethnicity, gender, club, organization, society, conglomerate, or amalgamation. Not even people on crack.

In preparation for my European excursion (now to include all of the following locales: Luxembourg, Belgium, the Netherlands, hopefully Scotland, and maybe Germany), I’ve been reading some travel books. I don’t know if I’m tired, giddy with anticipation of my trip, or just exceedingly immature, but I cannot look at Dutch/Netherlandish/Flemish words with a straight face. At the risk of sounding horribly ignorant, I have to say that the Dutch language looks and sounds to me like English on crack: it is as though someone took English, spelled everything as inaccurately as possible, and tweaked the pronunciation to the point of absurdity. When I try to verbalize Dutch words, I sound like a drunk 4 year old with a cold and an unfortunate speech impediment. Why can’t these people just admit that they tried to speak English, failed miserably, and ended up sounding like their Mommies and Daddies just didn’t read to them enough when they were little? Observe some examples from the phrasebook included in my travel guide:

good morning: goedemorgan
thank you: dank u
how much is…?: wat kost…?
hot: heet
cold: koud
drinks: dranken
men: mannen
there: daar
chocolate milk: chocomel
coconut: kokosnoot (!)
twelve: twaalf

And the best word ever:
orange juice: sinaasappelsap (!!) (I’m totally ordering some).

If all goes well, my uneasy marriage of English and Dutch will go something like this: “Hallo! Goedemorgan, goed mannen! I am heet. I want koud dranken, preferably sinaasappelsap or chocomel. Oh, and wat kost the kokosnoot? Twaalf euro! Dank u, but nee dank u!”

I understand that Dutch is a very rich language with a rich history, and that I’m representing myself as a silly, sheltered American by mocking it. But you have to admit: some of those people in New York subway stations who seem a little off at first listen might just be from the Netherlands or northern Belgium.

Update: I just received the following note from my dad: "Incidentally, you should know that you are of Dutch descent. Your great grandmother's (my mother's mother's) maiden name was Conover, which is a anglicization of something really Dutch like Van Coewenhoewen. So watch it." Figures.

Update #2: Tenaya, a fellow law student, was kind enough to issue me the following warning: "I thought I should warn you, before you stroll though certain parts of Amsterdam, that the Dunglish (Dutch + English) 'I am heet' essentially translates to 'I'm horny.'" Who knew? Thanks, Tenaya!

posted by Bekah at 4:39 PM :: |