"In vacant or in pensive mood..." I am: Bekah; 24; Law Student / Favorite Things: Carbs (so there!), Johnny Damon, Smiling at babies, Grilled cheese, Comfortable silence / Favorite Supreme Court Justice: Brennan / Favorite Wilson: Owen by an inch / Today's Special: Song: Elliott Smith, "Bled White"; Quote: "You know, there's like a butt-load of gangs at this school. This one gang kept wanting me to join because I'm pretty good with a bowstaff." Please love me: mmbekah@yahoo.com


February 2003 March 2003 April 2003 May 2003 June 2003 July 2003 August 2003 September 2003 October 2003 November 2003 December 2003 January 2004 February 2004 March 2004 April 2004 May 2004 June 2004 July 2004 August 2004 September 2004 October 2004 November 2004 December 2004 January 2005 September 2005

 
In the Mood

Moods have always been fascinating to me, largely because, like most things that are fascinating, no one entirely understands them. Of course there are medical reasons for moods, like chemical imbalances and blocked signals, which have been identified and are often medically controlled. But even if we understand the chemical reasons for shifting moods (and by “we” I certainly don’t mean me—water’s molecular similarity to Mickey Mouse is the extent of my scientific awareness), we still don’t really understand what makes a person who has been in a funk for weeks suddenly wake up one morning happy to be alive. What causes the cloud to lift?

I think part of the reason for the inadequacy of our understanding of our own moods is the inadequacy of language. We tell people, “Get in a better mood!” as if we’re talking about putting on a new pair of jeans. Well, if I knew that changing my pants was all I needed to do to get happy, I would have had a much more pleasurable 1L year. Unfortunately, moods just don’t change on a whim. (When I say “mood,” I’m talking about a more fundamental state of mind than just “happiness” or “sadness.” For example, you can be momentarily happy to see a flower on your way to school, and still be fundamentally dissatisfied with life).

I guess where I’m going with all of this is that I’m in a good mood this year, and there is no clear reason why. For much of 1L year, I was not in a good mood. I was happy a lot of the time, and I was only rarely completely miserable, but deep down I was just not excited about living in the world. Something was turned off, or blocked out, or suppressed. This year, all of the stress is still there and the work is still hard, but the weight is gone. I don’t mean that I’m ecstatic all the time now; I just mean that my baseline state of being leans more toward contentment than discontentment. There are lots of things that must have contributed to the shift in my mood: I love my apartment this year, I have several good classes, I know how to deal with law school, I have the prospect of living and working somewhere completely new in two years…And still, I’m not convinced that any of these things is the real reason for the change. Regardless of the reason, I am suddenly more satisfied, more in control, and more optimistic than I was before, and I’m going to ride this mood as long as I can.

Misty Water Colored Memories

My sister has this duck candle. It’s shiny and yellow, and it has a long neck and a tiny head. The wick is on top of its head. A while ago, I was sitting in my room when she brought in what was left of the duck. Where the head and bright orange beak used to be, there was only a tiny, misshapen ball with two grotesque black eyes (now vertical), all covered with a film of yellow wax. It looked like The Far Side meets the melting face in Indiana Jones meets that episode of Saved by the Bell with the oil spill (yeah, since when did Bayside have a pond?). Upon seeing this horrifyingly surreal formation, I slowly backed away from the waxy blob, emitting assorted guttural exclamations: “Aaaaah! Aaaaaaaaah! Oh my God! Aaaaaah! What is that thing? Get it away from me!” I think we must have peed ourselves from all of the laughing. Even now when the memory comes to me at unexpected times (like today during Family Law), the bizarre hilarity of the moment makes me laugh out loud again. It’s good to have a sister with whom you can appreciate deformed duck heads. That’s all I’m saying.

posted by Bekah at 1:07 PM :: |