"In vacant or in pensive mood..." I am: Bekah; 24; Law Student / Favorite Things: Carbs (so there!), Johnny Damon, Smiling at babies, Grilled cheese, Comfortable silence / Favorite Supreme Court Justice: Brennan / Favorite Wilson: Owen by an inch / Today's Special: Song: Elliott Smith, "Bled White"; Quote: "You know, there's like a butt-load of gangs at this school. This one gang kept wanting me to join because I'm pretty good with a bowstaff." Please love me: mmbekah@yahoo.com


February 2003 March 2003 April 2003 May 2003 June 2003 July 2003 August 2003 September 2003 October 2003 November 2003 December 2003 January 2004 February 2004 March 2004 April 2004 May 2004 June 2004 July 2004 August 2004 September 2004 October 2004 November 2004 December 2004 January 2005 September 2005

 
I Am Fortune’s Goddamn Fool

A tragedy of epic proportions has occurred. I am completely, totally, and utterly devastated. I guarantee you that this experience has done permanent damage to my heart and soul. I am scarred. I am jaded. I can never love again.

Please recall my happy conversations with Granola, Yet Clean (hereinafter GYC). Remember the laughter. Remember the witty banter. Remember GYC’s precious smile and adorable mannerisms. Now fast forward to Saturday night at the neighborhood bar. I was there with some friends, watching the Cubs game on one TV and the Ohio State game on the other. I was enjoying a Coors Light (oh, the Silver Bullet, how I love you). I was feeling fine. And then, the unthinkable happened. None other than GYC himself walked into the bar. But he didn’t walk in alone. That would have been a joyful miracle. Instead, he walked in with his girlfriend (about whom I had jokingly speculated only days before). I felt like I’d just been flattened by a huge box of organic granola descending from the sky like a cartoon safe. The dream was dead.

My first reaction was, I will admit, somewhat childish. I started repeating the word “No” under my breath, interspersing the exclamations with the pitiful whimpers of a puppy that had just been kicked. Then I stood up and walked quickly outside. After I’d composed myself enough to reenter the bar, I immediately witnessed GYC and his girlfriend playing pool right next to our table. My friends tried all the usual lines. “Maybe it’s his sister.” “Maybe it’s his cousin.” “Maybe he’s bored in the relationship and is looking for a way out.” “They don’t look like they’re having fun.” “You’re much prettier than she is.” Nothing they said worked. I saw the way GYC was handing the pool cue to that girl. It was not with filial affection.

At first I was just hurt. But then I got mad. And things started getting ugly. First I explained to my friends that I “[felt] as though [I’d] just been gutted, and my intestines [had been thrown] in my face.” Slightly dramatic, but it got the point across. Then, as you might imagine, I started in on the girlfriend. I started small, but pretty soon I got as catty as a high school cheerleader in the girls’ bathroom: “Look at her purse. What is that? Some goddamn Guatemalan thing? Those went out with braided belts circa 1992.” “She might be granola, but she is definitely not clean. Look at her hair. I bet she just got back from a Siberian trek where she ate bark. And liked it. And she hung out with yetis or something.” “I am going to throw away 10 Coke cans just to spite her. Screw recycling.” It went on.

Some of these things might have been out of line (the Silver Bullet, though glorious, can be a harsh and brutal comrade), but listen to this: I overheard the girlfriend ask GYC, with respect to the white pool ball, “Is this one smaller than the others?” No, you ridiculous hemp-wearing, chai tea-drinking, Ani Difranco-listening, bongo-playing, dirt-eating lover of grubs and dust mites. ALL POOL BALLS ARE THE SAME SIZE. They didn’t teach you that on your treacherous, soul searching hike through the Brazilian Rainforest where you got in touch with your inner Zarathustra?

This is a sad state of affairs. I can’t even compete with an unclean granola girl with zero personality and severe spatial differentiation problems. And, on top of everything, I’ve completely lost my appetite for granola.

posted by Bekah at 8:18 AM :: |