"In vacant or in pensive mood..." I am: Bekah; 24; Law Student / Favorite Things: Carbs (so there!), Johnny Damon, Smiling at babies, Grilled cheese, Comfortable silence / Favorite Supreme Court Justice: Brennan / Favorite Wilson: Owen by an inch / Today's Special: Song: Elliott Smith, "Bled White"; Quote: "You know, there's like a butt-load of gangs at this school. This one gang kept wanting me to join because I'm pretty good with a bowstaff." Please love me: mmbekah@yahoo.com


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Control Freak

Working in a small firm this summer (and by small I mean 4 lawyers, not 57; this is not New York) has taught me a few things about myself, and all of them boil down to one basic conclusion: I hate not being in control. In this post, I'm going to try to explain the feelings I've been having at work, but I should warn you now that the words may not come out right and I may come off slightly more obsessive/psychotic than I actually am. So bear with me.

It started out with little things. I don't like not having my very own desk, organized the way I like it, with my own clients and my own case files color-coded and numbered in my own way. I don't like having to use a system I'm not comfortable with or having to roam around the office like a nomad, using a hole-puncher here, a phone there, and a computer in the back. I don't like doing piecemeal work either: drafting a motion for one client here, making a trip to court for another client there. None of it lets me follow something through to its conclusion. I don't feel invested in any of it. I understand exactly what Karl Marx meant when he described people as feeling alienated because of their assembly-line jobs. The result of their work has nothing to do with them, and it makes them sad and distanced from their lives. It's the opposite of the farmer who gets to sit down to dinner and enjoy the fruits of his own labor.

But my biggest work gripe is something much simpler. In school, I've always been used to working at my own pace on my own time. I have always hated study groups of any kind. I never wanted to do peer reviews of essays; I simply didn't care what the other students thought of my work. The only time I liked working with others was in math class, because I could just ride on my friend J.D.'s coattails and pretend I knew what was going on. Now, when I need to study for exams, I make my own schedule and sit by myself, away from any scrutiny by the professor or other students, and I figure things out on my own. In the law firm, I have to figure things out right before the lawyers' eyes, and that's just not natural for me. I hate learning under pressure. I get intimidated and nervous, and common sense goes right out the window. And that lack of common sense carries over into other daily tasks at work. Once, a woman came by to pick up a huge ink cartridge for the copy machine, and I retrieved one of the firms return-address stamps for her instead. What? It looked cartridge-like to me...

So in analyzing all of these feelings over the past few weeks, I've finally decided that this basically means that I don't like to share. When I think about possibly practicing law, the only thing that appeals to me is a situation where I'm in constant control. Where I'm in charge of my very own clients, and I make all the organizational and legal decisions for myself. The scary part is, these conclusions are not based on any feeling of analytical or administrative prowess on my part. I think I could benefit from collaborative efforts. So maybe I just need to be in a situation where I feel completely invested in what I'm doing, and who I'm doing it with. Anyway, it's stuff to ponder. Is anyone else who's working in a firm for the first time experiencing any of this?

posted by Bekah at 4:49 PM :: |