"In vacant or in pensive mood..." I am: Bekah; 24; Law Student / Favorite Things: Carbs (so there!), Johnny Damon, Smiling at babies, Grilled cheese, Comfortable silence / Favorite Supreme Court Justice: Brennan / Favorite Wilson: Owen by an inch / Today's Special: Song: Elliott Smith, "Bled White"; Quote: "You know, there's like a butt-load of gangs at this school. This one gang kept wanting me to join because I'm pretty good with a bowstaff." Please love me: mmbekah@yahoo.com

 
Musical Musings

I was talking to one of my friends last night about music, and he reminded me of another reason why I love making and giving mixtapes so much. He explained to me how incredibly happy it makes him to burn cds for someone, knowing that they are going to be able to enjoy the music as much as he does. Being able to spread around music that he loves is such an important and empowering part of his life. He was speaking in the context of burning whole cds, not making mixes, but the comment really resonated with me. The process of making a mix for someone, knowing that they are going to be listening to the songs you're listening to, in the order that you're listening to them, is such a wonderful experience. I love thinking about what people will be thinking when they hear each song, and what their reactions will be. I love knowing that they might hear a part of a song and get the same feeling I get when I hear it. In some circumstances, making a mix can involve more than just choosing songs that I think the intended recipient might like; it can also involve an understanding that the songs will connect me to that person, and make me think of them when I hear them. And that makes the songs even better and more complex than they were before. Good stuff. Now I'm going stop being all fruity and read some law books.

Depressing Quote of the Day:

"Like, I'm thinking of staying up all night tonight. Are you down?" --Velour Jumpsuit Girl #1, directing her query to Velour Jumpsuit Girls #s 2 and 3. Aaaaah.

posted by Bekah at 11:18 AM :: |

 
Good Coffee, Bad Feelings

I went to my old coffeehouse a few nights ago for the first time since exams last year. When I walked in the door, I swear I saw one of the little hipster guys who works there exchange a knowing glance with another guy behind the counter. I think the glance meant "See, I told you she'd come back. Now hand over that fiver." I was going to say something to him--something witty or pithy or profound--but before I could work up the nerve, I saw her. The new worker. The new worker is a little blonde hipster girl. She has straight short hair, cut in a bob at her ears. She was wearing huge hoop earrings, a short jean skirt with tall black boots, and a stretched out punk t-shirt off the shoulder. She laughs all the time. She's probably eighteen. I hate her. Obviously, I asked for my coffee and ran away to the corner.

Update: My friend Devon had a great response to this little post that I thought I should share. She writes, "When did everyone stop being older, and therefore cooler than us, and instead become younger, and therefore cooler, than us?" If I had to isolate the precise moment, I would probably go with graduation from college. When you're in college, you think that being a young twentysomething will be exciting and cool and grownup, but when you get there you realize that you'll never be as cool as you were in college. Or maybe you just become a different kind of cool. The bitter, jaded kind that involves being resentful of little blonde hipster girls who laugh too much. Either way, I'm still glad I'm not in college anymore. And I'm kind of ok with not being college cool. I am going to work on the resentfulness though.

Earth, Wind, and Fire

So I have an interview in Albuquerque. I'm going choose the presocratic element of "earth" to represent that area of the country. Yesterday I got an interview in Chicago. That is "wind." I know I'm missing "water," but perhaps if I decide to interview at one of the million-lawyer corporate firms in New York, I can go ahead and take care of that "fire" requirement?

posted by Bekah at 9:36 AM :: |

 
In the Mood

Moods have always been fascinating to me, largely because, like most things that are fascinating, no one entirely understands them. Of course there are medical reasons for moods, like chemical imbalances and blocked signals, which have been identified and are often medically controlled. But even if we understand the chemical reasons for shifting moods (and by “we” I certainly don’t mean me—water’s molecular similarity to Mickey Mouse is the extent of my scientific awareness), we still don’t really understand what makes a person who has been in a funk for weeks suddenly wake up one morning happy to be alive. What causes the cloud to lift?

I think part of the reason for the inadequacy of our understanding of our own moods is the inadequacy of language. We tell people, “Get in a better mood!” as if we’re talking about putting on a new pair of jeans. Well, if I knew that changing my pants was all I needed to do to get happy, I would have had a much more pleasurable 1L year. Unfortunately, moods just don’t change on a whim. (When I say “mood,” I’m talking about a more fundamental state of mind than just “happiness” or “sadness.” For example, you can be momentarily happy to see a flower on your way to school, and still be fundamentally dissatisfied with life).

I guess where I’m going with all of this is that I’m in a good mood this year, and there is no clear reason why. For much of 1L year, I was not in a good mood. I was happy a lot of the time, and I was only rarely completely miserable, but deep down I was just not excited about living in the world. Something was turned off, or blocked out, or suppressed. This year, all of the stress is still there and the work is still hard, but the weight is gone. I don’t mean that I’m ecstatic all the time now; I just mean that my baseline state of being leans more toward contentment than discontentment. There are lots of things that must have contributed to the shift in my mood: I love my apartment this year, I have several good classes, I know how to deal with law school, I have the prospect of living and working somewhere completely new in two years…And still, I’m not convinced that any of these things is the real reason for the change. Regardless of the reason, I am suddenly more satisfied, more in control, and more optimistic than I was before, and I’m going to ride this mood as long as I can.

Misty Water Colored Memories

My sister has this duck candle. It’s shiny and yellow, and it has a long neck and a tiny head. The wick is on top of its head. A while ago, I was sitting in my room when she brought in what was left of the duck. Where the head and bright orange beak used to be, there was only a tiny, misshapen ball with two grotesque black eyes (now vertical), all covered with a film of yellow wax. It looked like The Far Side meets the melting face in Indiana Jones meets that episode of Saved by the Bell with the oil spill (yeah, since when did Bayside have a pond?). Upon seeing this horrifyingly surreal formation, I slowly backed away from the waxy blob, emitting assorted guttural exclamations: “Aaaaah! Aaaaaaaaah! Oh my God! Aaaaaah! What is that thing? Get it away from me!” I think we must have peed ourselves from all of the laughing. Even now when the memory comes to me at unexpected times (like today during Family Law), the bizarre hilarity of the moment makes me laugh out loud again. It’s good to have a sister with whom you can appreciate deformed duck heads. That’s all I’m saying.

posted by Bekah at 1:07 PM :: |

 
I woke up this morning, inexplicably, at a ridiculously early hour. I was about to roll over and go back to sleep (my favorite pastime) when I noticed a pink light shining through my curtain. I pulled the curtain aside and was confronted with the most beautiful sunrise I've ever seen. I've seen many a beautiful sunset in my day, but sunrises are really incredible. It covered the whole sky with orange and pink specks and wisps. This might seriously be enough to make me a morning person.

Also, I am hesitant to use this phrase lightly, but I think Dove Shampoo has changed my life. Shit is incredible.


posted by Bekah at 11:27 AM :: |