"In vacant or in pensive mood..." I am: Bekah; 24; Law Student / Favorite Things: Carbs (so there!), Johnny Damon, Smiling at babies, Grilled cheese, Comfortable silence / Favorite Supreme Court Justice: Brennan / Favorite Wilson: Owen by an inch / Today's Special: Song: Elliott Smith, "Bled White"; Quote: "You know, there's like a butt-load of gangs at this school. This one gang kept wanting me to join because I'm pretty good with a bowstaff." Please love me: mmbekah@yahoo.com

 
This is an Automated Response

Thank you for contacting me. I am committed to serving you to the best of my ability. Unfortunately, due to circumstances beyond my control, I am forced to be out of the office for the weekend. I will be somewhere cold, somewhere shaped like a hand-warming garment--somewhere where I may be able to take part in all of my "favorite things" listed on the sidebar. If all goes well, I will be up and running again on Monday. Of course, by that point finals will be around the corner. But it is Friday morning, I have a plane to catch, and Monday is light years away.

P.S. I will spend my plane ride contemplating whether or not to hug J's parents at the airport. I'm an affectionate person, but still. Too weird? Tough call.

posted by Bekah at 10:18 AM :: |

 
Quote of the Day

"'We're trying to explain how things are going, and they are going as they are going,' he said, adding: 'Some things are going well and some things obviously are not going well. You're going to have good days and bad days.' On the road to democracy, this 'is one moment, and there will be other moments. And there will be good moments and there will be less good moments.'"

--Maureen Dowd, quoting Donald Rumsfeld's glistening press conference oration

Rumsfeld concluded, "Zippedy doo-dah; One fish, two fish, red fish, George Bush...Old McDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O. "

Gah.

posted by Bekah at 11:08 AM :: |

 
A Call to Arms

A little birdy just informed me that there is a blog contest going down over at venturpreneur. Apparently some other blog is stealing the show, and I need your help! Tinkerbell will disappear without your clapping, so if you're so inclined, go here and cast your vote.

Man, I feel dirty now.

posted by Bekah at 8:59 AM :: |

 
A Tale Told By an Idiot

Last week, I had a little bit of a breakdown. I guess it wasn't so much a breakdown as an epiphany (although that sounds too dramatic; maybe "feeling of ickiness" is more technically accurate). Anyway, the terminology is irrelevant. All that matters is that I realized, in one terrible flash of self-awareness, that I couldn't remember what I'd done the day before. Or three days before. Or the week before. It scared me. I thought, "If my memory is failing me this drastically at the age of 24, it must mean that there is nothing worth remembering." Since then, I've started getting generally panicky. My stomach hurts a lot, and my back and neck are starting to get tense again. I feel like my entire life has become a blur of going to class, eating, fulfilling mindnumbing tasks for law review, trying frantically to maintain connections with the people who are important to me, and sleeping (theoretically). (Even now I can tell that writing about this stuff makes it sound much more dramatic and troubling than it is. I am not having fainting spells, or hiding in the dark scribbling by candlelight into some scary journal, or staring at the wallpaper waiting for it to come to life. I'm just having a slightly not-OK time right now).

I understand that these are hardly novel feelings. It's normal for people my age (especially those of us in law school) to have thoughts like this. I've heard all the pep talks (law school is a rite of passage, it gets better, you're moving toward a goal, suck it up and make sacrifices now so you can be happy later), and yes, they helped at first. They lulled me into believing that studying 12 hours a day or more during exams was really no big deal in the grand scheme of things. But they just don't do it for me anymore. Because sometimes I feel like I'm fulfilling a rite of passage for entry into a place I don't even want to be. I don't have the love of the law that some people have. Or the drive. Or the desire to "make it" as a lawyer who spends her life in the same cycle I'm stuck in right now.

I know that at this point it's too late to back out. A good deal of time and money and pride is at stake. But I think it's just wrong to tell people in my position that what we're doing right now is important preparation, that we should suffer through it, grin and bear it, in order to succeed in the future. MY LIFE IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW, AND I'M NOT EVEN AWARE OF IT. THAT IS NOT SOMETHING THAT SHOULD JUST BE OK FOR ME. In the next few weeks, I'm going to have to start putting lots of energy into studying. But to get through that ordeal I'm going to have to use most of my energy to combat the resentment I feel for having to read Evidence when I want to be writing or reading real books or being. This is not the first time I've felt or written about this kind of thing. This is also not healthy. But what can I do?

When I was trying to articulate all of this to my dad this afternoon, he quoted Macbeth. I should have remembered that, even when I have what I think is an epiphany, Shakespeare will have always said it best:

Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,
To the last syllable of recorded time;
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more: it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.

Now Shakespeare and I will be in the corner, sulking. But I'm sure I'll be back soon. After all, I won't remember any of this tomorrow.

posted by Bekah at 6:24 PM :: |